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Mommy go Bye Bye
Hi,
I've been reading your site. Bless you for creating it and writing your books.
I teach for the California State University, and the fall semester began August 23 of this year. My Mother died at 4:00 that morning. Amazingly, I went to my classes that day after working with my brother for a few hours in her room at the retirement home.
The first month I felt nothing. The next two weeks after that I felt angry at her for leaving me. I finally started to miss her during the following two weeks. Last Monday morning while reading the funnies in the paper, my grief exploded like an atom bomb.
Unfortunately there are duties to perform, but I would much rather stay home with my wife and companion animals and sob uncontrollably. I feel emotionally blown away and totally lost.
The peculiarity about this strange series of events is that I kept admonishing myself for not grieving about my mother's death. I couldn't understand why the tears failed to come. Had I known what was lurking around the corner, I'm sure I wouldn't have been begging for its arrival.
Response
We are rarely "prepared" for grief. It sometimes seems to me that the time lapse that you speak of is your body/mind/spirit coming into alignment with the impact of loss. You are moving forward with a certain energy comprised of life as you know it and all of a sudden life has changed your course and you haven't been informed. The "implosion" of which you speak is the moment at which your old reality in which your mom was alive meets your new reality in which she is no longer in a physical body. That's alot of wordiness but sometimes it helps to understand what is operating at the unconscious level. We only take in what we are capable of integrating. So when your psyche is exhausted with the challenge of integrating your mother's death, you will shut down. And that's the " good news". Someone once wrote in that "we will grieve them until other's grieve us'. Meaning that grieving is a lifelong process and we don't need to do it all at once. We can't. It comes in a little at a time. All we are asked is to meet it with simple presence and an open heart. Take time to discover the edges of your new reality. Be impeccable in your honesty about your feelings.The only important question is: how can I honor the relationship that my mother and I have...not had! Because death does not end relationships. Stay in touch