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Letting go of anger?
mY SISTER DIED TWO YEARS AGO DUE TO MISTREATMENT AND NEGLECT BY A HOSPITAL AND PHYSICIAN. mY SISTER WAS POOR AND MENTALLY-ILL SO THE FOCUS OF HER RAPIDLY PROGRESSIVE PHYSICAL ILLNESS WAS IGNORED AND PASSED OFF AS "SEEKING ATTENTION", I have been to attorneys and have told the story to local newspapers but because there is no guarantee of a win in court against the hospital or physician and because I can't afford to hire more attorneys and expert witnesses to testify against the decisions made I have been repeatedly sent away with "it is horrible and unjust" but there is nothing that we can do to help you.
I believe so strongly in this mistreatment of not only my sister but many mentally-ill folks that I have written congressman, governors, etc but nothing!!
I don't now how to let go of the anger around my sisters death. I miss her terribly and want so much to do what I can to honor her but nothing I have tried to do has helped. Can you help me to gain a different perspective on ity all?
Thanks,
Makaya
Response
Before I share my thoughts with you relative to the questions you ask, I would like to share some deeply held beliefs I hold about the manner and time of one’s death. This is important because if we hold strongly opposing views about this, my input would probably not be helpful for you. I believe that the time and manner of our death is the most significant event in our lives. The way in which we die is absolutely unique to each of us and cannot be “wrong.” Nor do I believe that it is possible to die “before one’s time.” When we die, it is our time to die. These are difficult ideas and I believe they can only be embraced with a great deal of personal, emotional and mental struggle. While it can “look” as if someone or some event is the cause of a death, to me it is the vehicle of death. The cause of death is life. When we, those left to grieve, get caught by anger and/or a desire to exact retribution for a death, it keeps us from our grief.
Psychodynamically, anger is the smokescreen for fear. We become angry when we are overwhelmed by fear – the fear that we cannot or could not control the safety of a loved one or that we cannot control our own safety. Can you turn your anger back into the fear that it covers and find the creative force behind it? When we miss someone who has died, we are missing the “receiver” of our love and attention. If we can stand in the open wound of loss, and be truly present, often we discover someplace to put that love and attention we gave to the one who has died. Right now you are putting that attention on blaming those you feel are responsible for your sister’s death. Where else might you put your attention – if you take away blame, what else is there? It has seemed to me that just as anger “covers” fear, blame “covers” despair. Fear and despair are destructive forces when they do not serve to protect us from direct threats to our survival. The only antidote to destruction, is creation.
The creative impulse can’t be rushed or forced. It requires patience and the clear intention to stay open to what is possible. To stay open, we breathe; we soften; we pray; we weep; we speak. We stay present as the tides turn and then we step forward into what is possible. I trust that something in all of this will be helpful.