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Afraid of dying alone!
I have spent the past week grieving yet another lost relationship and trying to deal with the loss and the pain. I find that journaling helps me a lot and after a powerful dream I decided to journal. My dream highlighted the 2 biggest losses in my life to date - my dad's death and the "death" of my son's childhood (he's 19 now and I really miss having a little one around).
As I journaled, I starting listing all my fears in association with my losses... I am afraid I will never find true love; afraid I will never find happiness; afraid that if I do find love and/or happiness, I will lose them; afraid of being alone... then I hit on one that resulted in a FLOOD of sobs and tears... I am afraid of dying alone (still makes me cry every time I type it).
I want to die surrounded by the love of family and friends and I see now that every time I lose a potential life mate relationship, or even a friendship, it triggers that fear big time. Not sure yet if that realization is going to help my grief process, we shall see.
Kim
Response
Reading your two messages together complete a circle of grief that has formed around you. The holidays are a particularly profound reflection of love that feels absent whether we ever had that love or not! It is a rare person who is willing to speak the grief around a loss that does not involve death. Your son's adulthood, and the loss/betrayal of Tom are in your circle right now. It is a sign of your honesty (as well as your vulnerability) that you are willing to speak out. Speak out in your journal, speak out to your friends and family but mostly speak out to your self. It matters that you are struggling at this time of the year and are willing to be vocal about it. More damage is done to ourselves and those around us by keeping it in. Please feel free to write back anytime.