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Loss of a dream for love
One of the toughest things, for me, about my current loss is that most of my friends, although trying to be helpful, are not understanding the magnitude of what I am feeling. When my dad died unexpectedly in 2001, family and friends rallied around to give all the support that was needed and then some. If I had again loss someone to death or even lost them to divorce, I would probably feel that I am getting more support than I am getting in my current situation.
I met, and started dating, Tom, 2 years ago and the relationship was always difficult as he had unresolved issues from his past. We were never able to develop the relationship that I wanted, but my love for him continued to grow as did my hope. We stopped dating a year ago, but maintained a very close friendship and I felt that he did love me, but just did not know how to express it. It has been my dream for the past 2 years that he would heal and open his heart to me and that we would finally have the relationship I wanted and I felt that deep inside he wanted, too. In fact, I have not dated anyone since I met him. Our friendship was becoming closer and closer over the past few months and he opened himself to me a little on Thanksgiving (online) to tell me that a woman from his past had been "hounding" him to get back together, but that she was not loving or trustworthy and he wanted her to leave him alone. I had to deal with my mom having major surgery on Dec 3 and did not speak with him after Thanksgiving. My hope was to get together with him over the Winter Holidays. However my dream was shattered on Dec 11 when I discovered that he had married the woman who was supposedly "stalking" him. This was an absolute shock as I didn't see it coming at all. I am grieving over the loss of my dream of a true relationship with him as well as the loss of our friendship. The timing with the Holidays is making it all the worse. My friends can only say "he was no good for you anyway, get over it" and such. They do not understand how deeply I am grieving and have even said things such as "well, it isn't like he died" or "it isn't like he was married, or even committed in any way to you", but this does not help. What I need is understanding and I must say that just writing this message to people that I know will understand is a help in and of itself.
Thank you and blessings,
Kim
Response
Reading your two messages together complete a circle of grief that has formed around you. The holidays are a particularly profound reflection of love that feels absent whether we ever had that love or not! It is a rare person who is willing to speak the grief around a loss that does not involve death. Your son's adulthood, and the loss/betrayal of Tom are in your circle right now. It is a sign of your honesty (as well as your vulnerability) that you are willing to speak out. Speak out in your journal, speak out to your friends and family but mostly speak out to your self. It matters that you are struggling at this time of the year and are willing to be vocal about it. More damage is done to ourselves and those around us by keeping it in. Please feel free to write back anytime.