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still born daughter
I am the father of a stillborn.My daughter, Mallory,was stillborn on 12/1/08.My wife is taking it hard,as I am,but I just wanted to tell my personal feelings on the matter.A month later,the sting has faded some,but I am still numb and unsure of what to do with the feelings I have.I can't make them go away,they are involuntary it seems.I feel such a need for help,but at the same time,so many people have just disappeared from the picture because they feel uncomfortable or something,I guess.Do they think I feel comfortable,much less when they just abandon me to my loneliness?How can they feel better by just not coming around,when no matter where I go,I still feel sad.I try to reach out,but so many people tell you to call if you need anything,when they don't really mean it.This creates hate inside when I open up and people leave me out in the cold.I am determined to cope with my loss,but am having trouble finding the right outlet.Any advice would be deeply appreciated.
Response
I am always reminded by people such as yourself that it is the one who is grieving who becomes the teacher of grief.You might be thinking that you are the one in pain; you are the one who is lost and has lost,how can you be the teacher to your friends and family and co-workers? Because you know what you need when you need it; whether you need someone to just listen,someone to take a walk with you or a drive or have a cup of coffee.And when you reach out and share yourself and your pain and your daughter's life..... Yes, your daughter's life; She had a life for a time even if it was in your wife's body: Did you get to name her? Did you get to hold her? Did you get to bury her? Even if the answer to all of those questions is "No", you can still share your love for her and the pain of your loss. One day, one of those people who are afraid to approach you because they are afraid of saying the "wrong" thing so they say nothing will have an experience of loss and they will have learned from you that it is OK to talk about someone who has died even if the one who died never took one breath in this world. They will know that because you were their teacher and in sharing your loss,you will feel the love you have for your wife and your children born and un-born. You are learning a really hard life lesson and it will serve you somehow. We just don't know in this moment how. I feel with you and all of us who
are vulnerable to loss because we love.