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Why bother?
Hi!
It's a beautiful day, I've had a great weekend, my mum's cooking me lunch even as I type, I've just planed another great weekend of mountainclimbing with close friends and am going out tonight. No financial problems, moving in my own place in some months, a good job waiting for me (have to pass an exam before that). Life couldn't get much better, could it?
Wrong!
My girlfriend of 3 years who I intended to spend my life with died in a car accident 7 months and 2 days months ago. I've done everything that books, web-pages and people on various message boards suggested, but it seems to me that on the long run I haven't moved much from where I was some 4 months ago.
Everything seems so senseless, not worth fighting for, I am just spending my days in order to pass time. Yes, there were good days, I've done some things I've enjoyed during the last 6 months, but on the long run it all seems so empty. The text I read suggested that I "live the QUESTIONS now, because even if answers could be given to me at this time, I would be unable to live them"... Guess what, slowly getting bored and anoyed with the questions...
Another thing that bothers me is whether I will ever find someone that I will want to spend my life with. I've always been very picky as far as girlfriends are concerned and it got "worse" over the years. I've been dating for 12 years, had 2 serious relationships (with 8 years in between) and am back to square one again. 12 years, just like that...
Anyway, I don't realy know what I want to say, just the way I've been feeling for the last two weeks or so. No real sadness or fears, just no motivation to bother with anything... I know I am supposed to take things easy and not be to hard on myself but there is a big exam comming in 4 months 10 days (people typicaly study about 6 months for it) and I have no motivation whatsoever. I've never been that way and I hate my new self...
Response
I have read and re-read your words many times this past week feeling for some "space" to enter. And what stops me each time is how many different entry points there are. Beginning with your description of the outer circumstances of your life as opposed to the inner. And is it a matter of life being better or worse as much as it is a matter of (what one of my teachers calls) the "such-ness" of things? Life is as it is - what inside of us rises up to meet it? Does anything rise up? Are there times when it is better to not reach out to life but to let life come to us in search of our neediness. The poet Rumi says, "Be thirst searching for water." Sometimes we need to feel that water is searching for our thirst. Such a time is when we are bored and annoyed with the questions. Struck senseless by the such-ness. Hating our lives and our selves. Now that you have followed the advice of others about what to do in your grief and feel un-moved, put aside the advice (and questions!) posed by others. Listen to your own voice. What does it say? And what else? And what else? Stay open and present to your own inner dialogue. Follow it.