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Guilt about my father's last days
I read that people dying often want to convey messages or do something before they die. The last few days, he would start shaking his hands and wrists, open his eyes with his pupils focused straight up. I held his hands and stroked his forehead and say, "It's ok Daddy, it's ok." I wonder if we were pinning him down and stopping him. I wonder if, after a time, he felt hopeless to struggle against us. He did have severe dementia and a form where he lost all short-term memory. Still, does the spirit rise above that? Does it want to tell us something? Did I and my family try to quash it?
Also, I was with Dad when he died. I was on the phone calling my brother, sister and uncle to tell them to come right away, that the nurses said he had only a short time. I wonder if I should have taken his hand and said something. Maybe there wasn't time. I think only 30 seconds later they said he was gone. Should I have done something I didn't do? Did I keep him from getting thru some torment? The family said he must have felt comfortable enough to go when I was there. I don't know. I know I closed my father's eyes. I tried to close his mouth but coudln't get it to stay. My mother had been out running errands and had no cell phone. She was broken-hearted that she missed it by 15 minutes. By advice by my brother, we told her that he couldn't go with her there. They adored and were devoted to each other. Just the day before, he went into one of his shakes. She grabbed his hands and cried, "Don't leave me, Summy. Don't leave me." Did it seem right to tell her that, or is it a lie? Can we really know? I am revisiting the horrors of the last few days.
Also, I wrote and gave his eulogy. They sat me right in front of his coffin. Somehow I got the courage to get up and give it. I don't ever recall ever being so confident, self-assured. I read it. Hundreds of people after told me it was the best eulogy they had ever heard. It was definitely my father. It was funny and poignant and sweet and philosophical. It was the best thing I had ever written. Is it selfish to feel good for the recognition? I have usually felt not very good about myself. People requested copies of it. I am trying to remember who I need to send one to. Am I using my father's death for my own self-aggrandizement?
I am writing this around 3 am.
Also, I feel guilty that I am ruining other people's good times. My father died last Saturday. On Thursday, I went to my writers' group. We did an writing exercise. I read mine which had major pain in it. Did I ruin their night? Was it appropriate to be with them? In the Jewish religion, we wear a torn black ribbon for the first 30 days but not on the Sabbath. I was at a party tonight and put it back on after sunset when the day ends. I felt self-conscious when I put it back in the bathroom and went back to the party and was afraid people would ask and I would have to tell them and ruin their good time.
Response
You are a writer so I offer you the words of the poet Rainer Marie Rilke: "Live the questions now for the answers if they were given to you now could not be lived." Grief and loss are times of questioning: ourselves, life, spirit. That is how we know we are present - because we are cast out of ordinary reality into a place of uncertainty. Only you can answer the questions you ask and I trust that by asking them you will be granted (in your time) the answers.