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Associated losses
My sister suicided twenty-six years ago. She left two young children behind. They were raised by an emotionally unavailable father and an indifferent step-mother. I had tried to stay close to them as they grew up. I was out of the state for eight years but I always remembered their birthdays and Christmas.
Then my mother died last November. I knew it was going to be hard but it was worse than I even imagined. I was still seeking her approval and she had been nearly impossible most of her life. The last year of her life she had been very kind and finally acknowledged my commitment to her.
Her grandchildren had stopped having any contact with either of us six years before. She had told me that my nephew wanted her to give him her house. She also told me that he said not to worry about money because I could pay all of her medical bills. There was no way that I could do this, especially if she had to be in long term care.
I thought that I had some relationship with them and that they would be able to hear my concerns. I left a message for my nephew. My neice got the message and became unglued. She confronted her grandmother who said the medical bills had to come first. Neither of her grandchildren ever visited her again over the next six years. I received a letter from my neice saying that she never wanted to see me again. She stated that she was not going to participate in me playing out my sibling rivalry with her long dead mother.
As it turned out, mother took them out of her will. Her estate planning had her few assets moved in case she needed long term care.
I called my neice and nephew from the hospital when their grandmother was dying. They were hideous to me. I finally insisted that they leave as mother was unconscious already. All they wanted to do was make demands about money, as if there had been alot of assets. My neice actually physically attacked me on the way out of the hospital by grabbing my throat.
Mother and I were at peace when she died. I'm doing okay with letting go of her. But I am still having a hard time letting go of her mean grandchildren. I had alot of guilt over their mother's suicide that I carried for years. I suppose that I still carry some sense of responsibility for them even though they have been hateful and rejecting of me.
I had gotten pregnant as a teenager and my father had forced me to have an abortion. He also was physically abusive to me and the beatings became worse. He implied that he had disowned me. But then he died twelve days after my eighteenth birthday. Mother denied that she had ever felt that way.
My ex-brother in law made sure that my neice and nephew knew this. My neice even threw this up to me in the hospital while my mother was dying. He had always believed that he should inherit everything because he had had a good relationship with my father. But he abandoned my sister to her suicidal attempts. Mother and I were both very resentful of him even if he did not know that. He has been dishonest with my neice and nephew over the situation of their mother's death.
None of them even attended her funeral or if I had enough money to pay for it. Fortunately, things turned out okay financially. There never was never alot of money given the cost of long term care.
As I write this, I feel sick. It seems they only care about money. My mother even said that in her last delirium; that they did not love her but only wanted her money. It was unspeakably sad.
Sunday is mother's day. I will take flowers to their graves. My sister's adult children (now in their thirties)do not go.
Do you have any wisdom to share to help me move past these losses and family dysfunction. I still worry about my neice and nephew. I loved them so much as children. It is probably harder to let go because I never had any children of my own after the abortion and beatings. I very much want to have some light in my life. I thank you so much for providing this forum. I could not get through on the 800 number yesterday.
May God bless you and your work. Darlene
Response
I have sat and read your words as Mother's Day has come and gone. I am "word-less" when I open myself to your pain, your loss, and the challenge that you are now walking. This is a lifetime's work and a lifetime's healing. I would like to imagine that there is a wisdom source that is available to you through a teacher, a spiritual ally, and a community that can hold these questions. Sometimes there are no answers, only questions. My prayer is that asking the questions will bring you the wisdom you seek.