 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
She was my mother-in-law; I'm angry, sad, and relieved.
My mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly about 10 days ago. She was a very insulting, sarcastic person and proud of it. I tried so hard for 10 years to get her to approve of and accept me, but I never seemed to be good enough. I put my career on hold to stay home with our two daughters, yet my sacrifices were only looked at as causing a hardship for "her son'. I was never a good enough mother because I wasn't actively involved with the kids' schools, never a good enough wife, never thin enough, etc..Well, last year we drove 1200 miles to her house and remodeled her kitchen, etc...I thought that she would finally see that I wasn't a self-centered, slightly overweight, lazy person, and I thought she might finally come to see me as a good daughter-in-law.
I love doing things for other people and I really enjoyed remodelig her kitchen. I thought it would bring us closer.
Four months later, she came to see us and I was shocked to be insulted continually. You see, my husband worked while I was at home with his mother and her husband. She never insulted me when he was present. She laid low with her attacks when it was just us. I've dealt with this woman for 10 years and even though I went to her funeral and I'm sad that she's passed away, I'm still angry. I know she's gone and I need to put it all behind me and get on with my life. The sun still shines, the flowers still grow, and there's a lot of life to live out there. I just don't know how to get there. No one is 100% good or bad. She had a very giving nature, as well. She was very generous and I'll miss the holidays we won't have together. She could be very nice toward me whenever my husband was with us. I'll miss that.
I know I should feel ashamed, but I actually feel a sense of relief. Relief that I'll never have to dread her visits again. She was very hateful with my daugher from my first marriage and I had decided that in future visits, I would send her to a friend's house and pick her up later, myself pretending to be working at a new job, just so I wouldn't have to spend time at home with my mother-in-law. It just escalated to that ridiculous point.
What is wrong with me, that I would feel a sense of relief? My husband is suffering terribly over this loss. He loved her dearly. I didn't want this for him. He knows what she was like and he knows how I felt about her. His question to me is how can I grieve for someone I hated so much? How IS that possible and is it normal for me to have such conflicting emotions?
Response
I have been considering the questions you raise for many years. Too few of us have the wisdom and the courage to honor the conflict of grieving individuals with whom we were struggling. My deepest belief is that those relationships carry the grief of a desire that has not and now will never materialize. As long as someone is alive, there is the possibility, the opportunity, the hope and the fantasy that we might yet have the sought after connection. Once they die, it feels as if all hope is lost. Add to that a sense of relief and release from the tension of holding open a space that is continually rebuffed and we have nowhere to turn. It is unlikely that anyone around us will sympathize with our struggle so our grief is carried alone. Separated from those who "genuinely" mourn - because their love was returned - we have a weeping wound, a wound that cannot be left open to heal. Perhaps you will feel safe to share this message (both yours and mine) with your husband. You are both grieving. He grieves for what he feels he no longer has and you grieve for what feels like it will never be. Your mother-in-law's death might yield the healing between you and your husband that could not happen as long as she was alive. My prayers to all of you.