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feeling like two people
My husband, Jim, died 10 months ago suddenly. 2 months ago I began a new job and met a man I am currently dating. When I am at the job or with Carlos, I am focused in the present and not feeling my grief. When I am at home by myself, surrounded by what is left of Jim and my life, I cry and feel devastated. When Carlos leaves I feel those same feelings of abandonment that I did when Jim died. I know they aren't the same and the dating is not even that serious yet. He knows I am in a vulnerable place. In my new life I seem to operate OK. In the remenants of my old life I fall apart and can't stop crying. I feel like I am going crazy with this split personality. Is this normal? I am so tired of crying and grieving. One part of me wants to say OK, see I toughed it out this long - please just give me my old life back so I don't have to go through all of this. That isn't going to happen and I feel like I'm going crazy. I am so lonely both emotionally and physically and nothing is replacing that yet. I worry about whether I am just trying to replace Jim with Carlos. And even more I have to watch my neediness in this new relationship. I want what I had with Jim but know it won't be the same. It's just so difficult navigating all this. Does it ever get better?
Response
Beginning at the end with your question "Does it get better?" Perhaps "better" is a dream that we could never imagine. What we
know, is that "it" changes. When we are in the present, sometimes there is grief and sometimes there is laughter; sometimes there is sadness and sometimes there is joy. If the grief and sadness were constant, we would know something is wrong. If the grief and sadness were absent, something would be wrong. But an ebb and flow - receding and returning - is a sign of life force. I hear you are feeling "split" by this - is it truly a result of your experience that you feel "crazy" or a function of what you imagine you should be feeling or not feeling? Are you seeing a therapist/counselor or in a group? Do you have someone whose reflection you trust?