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going forward
My husband, Jim, died unexpectedly 7 months ago. I am just beginning to go out again and do a few things and actually have some fun. When I come back home the loneliness seems 5 times worse than it did before when I just stayed at home. I have recently taken a new job which I begin next week. Jim and I had our own business which I have come to realize I can't run by myself so have opted to close it and take a job. Since accepting the job, my feelings of grief have become stronger, almost as bad as they were right after he died. I am torn between moving forward and staying in my grief and the remanents of the life we had together. I realize I am at some kind of turning point but this feels so awful and brings back so much of the raw grief. I feel like I am abondoning Jim. What is happening?
Response
While it is impossible to predict or "chart" stages of grief, there are ghythms to our grieving that have nothing to do with calendar time. Going out, changing jobs, going on, are all fresh wounds that bleed as if your husband Jim "just died" because to the part of you that is taking first steps, Jim's death is today. Your feelings of abandonment are potentially more about abandoning yourself - your widow self - than about abandoning Jim, although they are in some ways, one and the same. Most important, trying to "understand" what you are feeling can create more distress. Don't worry about understanding why you are feeling, try to simply honor the feelings. Understanding may come much later but living is right now.