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The death of me?
In the past year and a half I have had to literaly kill off my "old self" to deal with the end of my marriage. For 10 years I lovingly supported my wife through thick and thin. I put up with incredible amounts of verbal and emotional abuse in order to get her to a place where she could look in the mirror and see she needed help. We almost made it. One day she looked in that mirror and couldn't accept what she saw so she turned on me, ultimately in the most vicious manner possible.I trusted meddling in-laws to bridge a huge divide yet they were divided themselves and operated at cross-purposes. My mother-in law was understandably protective and but my father-in -law was just plain self interested. My children have needlessly suffered as a result of their dysfunction and his cowardice. Now I have had to take action in court to protect my children developmentally and financially. My wife and inlaws are already so angry at me and they have no idea that I have only unleashed the very TIP of the iceberg, a warning shot. A year and a half ago this was not in my nature and that is why I was treated so unjustly and not taken seriously. The old me use to lie awake at night crying for my children, rehashing all the things I would like to say to my inlaws faces about the truth, and their complicity in the demise of my marriage. I made attempt after attempt to deal as fairly and civily as I could under very disturbing circumstances. I made concessions and I was thanked over and over with betrayal. Now I sleep peacefully knowing that as each carefuylly prepared bomb drops one after another over the coming years they will suffer immensely. I am going to expose their lying and publicly embarrass them to achieve fairness if I have to. Nonetheless, I am simultaneously grieving the loss of the loving, fair and patient person I now see as a pushover and the emergence of a warrior who will stop at nothing short of justice. Is it possible to grieve the loss of a part of ourselves? Why am I so angry at the better me?
Response
Yes - it is not only possible to grieve the loss of a part of ourselves, we are all actually always engaged in losing parts of ourselves although we are rarely aware of it. Nostalgia and longing for the "good old days" are two ways we greive the loss of our selves without actually calling it grief. Sometimes all we need to do to grieve is to be conscious of our loss. Why are you angry at your "better self"? This would be presumptuous of me to try to answer, however, what might be helpful is to remember that anger and fear are the same coin; when we feel anger, we can know that fear is lurking somewhere in the background. Perhaps it is fear of the unknown "new" self; perhaps it is fear of some aspect of the situation that has not moved from the un-conscious to the conscious. In my experience, when we feel a great need for revenge, there is usually something in our selves for which we are not taking responsibility. This is commonly called "shadow work" and most psychotherapists are familiar with its activities. It might be a good time for you to engage a therapist with these questions. The good news is that all of the energy that you are feeling (positive and negative) indicate you are ready for a deep inner healing.