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Letting her Sleep
On Wednesday (9/10) 5-days after my 26th birthday, at 7:30 pm, i was faced with the hardest decision of my life. My best friend and one of my soul-mates Abbey (a pomeranian) was ill with had a very weak heart, which made it hard for her to breathe on her own. Although her exact age is unknown, we suspect that she lived at least 15 years (making her over a 100 years old in dog years). She brought so much comfort and joy in my life and I was terribly afraid of losing that. Her and I had a very deep connection and it's almost like she was a spirit that has traveled with me through many lives. I saw her tired and out of breath, then had to make a decision to let her rest or continue to suffer in hopes of her getting better. I realized that death is a expected. Her body was old and she would one day need to be free of that. I wanted her to come home with me, i wanted her to live longer, I wanted her to play with me. I realized that this wasn't about me... it was about her. She was the one soul that i loved most in my life. I loved her with no guard and with all of my vulnerability. I cared for her, laughed with her, and cried as if she were my own child. After I decided to let her fighting body rest, I saw how close life and death were. I held her the whole tiime and faced it with her. I put my hand under her franticly beating heart and felt it soften then fade. She was free and I was now suffering from the thought of never being able to see her again.
How do I get through this! I know I made the right decision but it hurts like hell! She was my rock and my haven. When everything around me was negative, stressful, moody, she remained loving and consistent. I need her. And i only hope that one day, I will see her again. I've also realized that this is just the beginning of my experiences with death. I will one day lose my parents, friends, siblings, and even my own life. What is the purpose of living if you can't see the ones you love again. I need to somehow find peace that this pain won't be forever, and that the ones I love will return to me.
Response
Each of us has our "first" teacher in the truth of love; that to love is to risk the pain that comes when that relationship changes. Notice that I did not say that the love ends or that the relationship ends. It changes. And what a gift Abbey has given to you in her trusting you to do what she needed. So the first lesson we learn when someone we love dies is that the love does not die. How we express that love needs to change because Abbey is no longer in a physical body to lavish your love on her or receive her love back... physically. You still continue to love her and SEE her in your heart and in your mind. And when you feel yourself overwhelmed by the pain of the loss, of not having anywhere to physically love her, ask yourself how and where you might find a way to do that? Volunteer at an animal shelter? Write about her? Create a dog park in her honor?
Help bring pets to old age homes? You see, the idea is to keep your love for and from Abbey alive! Now it's up to you to get creative. And not just once. My Dad has been dead for almost 17 years and I still look for ways to honor my
love for him... everyday! In simple ways like giving an older person a ride in the rain or helping out at a sick friend's home. Does this make sense to you? Please feel free to write again.