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guilt
One year ago my husband died when i had left the hospital to go home, take a shower and get some things, so that i could stay with him. I can't get past feeling guilty for abandoning him. I did not expect him to die then, although I feel I should have known. What can I do?
Response
It is overwhelming when we realize how truly helpless and vulnerable we are to the forces of life and death. I have sat with families struggling to come to terms with the death of a child who first have to meet the face of their utter and complete helplessness. They could not protect their child. They could not keep death from carrying their child off anymore than you could keep death from your husband. There are parables in many spiritual traditions that tell of someone waiting until their beloved leaves their side in order to be able to meet their death. They could not leave in the presence of the beloved. You are perhaps feeling that it would have given you and your husband comfort to be together as he died. We won't ever know why you were "called away" but as the poet Rilke tells us: "Live the question." Rather than feeling guilty for "abandoning" him, open the space around the question of why you weren't there to include the possibility of some unknown wisdom operating through both of you. See if you can honor the mystery of your separation as you have honored the mystery of your union.