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He left me!!!
My husband, Michael, died several weeks ago after a long illness. Every other time that he went bad, he and I(I am a nurse) got him to the hosptial in time. He pulled off a few illness's that even shocked the doctors. But this last time we failed. Now there is so much anger, at him, at God, and at myself. I find myself nearly catatonic, unable to function....even with the normal day to day aspects of living.
I don't know how to get back into living without him. He was my entire life. I am so very angry at God for not honoring the vow Michael and I took....married for LIFE. His life here on Earth is over, but what about mine???
Please help me.
Response
It is so difficult to realize that those with whom we are most intimately connected are on a path separate from our own. A dear friend who is going through the last days of her husband's life wrote to me this morning. She says so beautifully what is so hard to express: "I no longer need our realities to match - his reality is dying and mine is living - we are going through such different experiences for the first time in our marriage." Your Michael didn't leave you - he left himself! He left the part of him that you "know" here and took the rest with him to wherever he is now. That is frightening! That doesn't make sense! Anger is often our way of dealing with fear - fear of aloneness. Fear of the unknown. You and Michael took a vow to marry "as long as you both shall live." You did that. You honored that vow. Michael is no longer alive. The vow has been completed. Now what? Mystery. Silence. No answer. Fear. Don't be fooled by the anger - the anger is hiding what is more honest. Your love asks you to be honest. Not knowing is honest. There is no "knowing" now - see if you can find a place in your heart and soul to live with the unknown until the pain, confusion, and fear begin to clear.