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Multiple losses
Over two years ago, my husband
and I separated. With that separation came also a loss of our family unit and my job. My husband and I had been in business together for 16 years. We have two sons, 16 and 12. They spend time with each of us, but the times I am without them are extremely difficult. I have not settled into a new job yet although I did work in my son's classroom the first year after our break-up. I have been in counseling for two years. I had a nervous breakdown four months after our separation. I had never experienced anything like thids before.. I have blamed myself for our break-up because I was a significant contributor. I am 53 years old and all the sweetness has gone from my life. I am not able to move beyond all of these losses to emotional health. I am on anti-depressants. Please help. I feel like I am not progressing and sliding backwards. It is a very scary feeling to wake up each day with these feelings of great loss.
Response
Loss and the dramatic changes that it brings into our lives is a powerful and, at times, overwhelming force. When life presents us with more than we seem to be able to handle, it is a good idea to step out of the direct path of the onslaught. Sometimes we break down in order to rebuild but we need to make sure that we have protected the essential parts of ourselves for that rebuilding. Blame, guilt, anger, and resentment are emotions that can trap us and hold us hostage, imprisoned in our minds, unable to find a way out. After two years in counseling, it would be arrogant (not to say inappropriate) of me to offer up an easy answer here. What I can perhaps respond to is about the nature of loss; loss is not a punishment. Loss is life's method to bring change into our lives and it is always profound change. Change that we would never have made without some catastrophic force pushing us out of our lives. Sometimes it is death. Sometimes it is illness. Sometimes it is betrayal. It is never easy. If it were easy, you would have initiated the change yourself. What I have learned through a lifetime of personal (and professional) upheaval, is to trust the forces of change/loss that come to me in life. Trust is the key. By blaming yourself you are saying that events could have, should have, been different. I don't believe that to be true. Life unfolds for each of us exactly as it should. Our challenge is to allow ourselves to be shaped by the forces of life that are seeking to change us. The feelings you describe of sliding backwards can only be met by an equal and potentially stronger force of moving forwards! At times we have to do this on blind faith that there is something ahead. You have two boys - their future is your future as well. Use that energy if you need to. There is opposing force to loss - and that force is growth, birth, change. Can you find a place to trust that your life will continue after this loss?