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my mother died in feb-2003
First of all, accept my apology as I am expressing myself in a language which is not my own.
The reason to approach you is that I lost my mother last February 2003. I am a single woman (and her only child) and have lived with her during 51 years, all my life. Her passing away has meant my broke away to pieces. I have been looking after her during her long illness, apart from my work. Previously, I looked after my grandmother. I have done it willingly and gladly and because I loved my mother very much and my grandmother as well. Really, we loved each other quite a lot; however, on the one hand the generation gap and on the other hand -I guess- we were different in our characters, or perhaps I am wrong and we were very much alike, the thing is that from time to time we used to quarrel for nonsense. Now, that she is dead I feel so guilty, so stupid, so sad and to remember those moments hurt me to the core and think that all I did has no value for our relationship was not a perfect one. Why when our beloved ones die one feel so guilty, so miserable, so confused? why our deeds towards them do not help us to balance our minds and be just with our own selves?. Why it comes to our minds only the quarrelsome moments, negative moments?. Is it due to our Christian breeding and culture based a guilty feeling? Living together with another person is a difficult and complicated task -with wise and unwise moves- which is completely understandable when partners are alive, but when there is a death this simple understanding goes upside down and you start demanding perfection of yourself in your relationship with the deceased person. Why we become our tormentors? In my own experience, is it immaturity?, umbilical cord has not been cut off from my mother, in spite of my being an adult? I feel very distressed, could you help me with this torture? Thank you for your kindness.
Response
No need to apologize for your ability to express yourself which you have done so powerfully. The overwhelming pain we feel when someone we love can no longer receive that love is un-imaginal. We have a tremendous need to do something - anything - with the energy of the time we devoted and the love we gave. Turning that energy against ourselves with guilt, remorse, regret is often the path we take. Guilt can overwhelm the feelings of loss. Focusing our attention on what we did that we shouldn't have done; what we shouldn't have done that we did is sometimes preferable to standing in the face of the abyss of loss. Guilt, self doubt, and blame become pathways for "explaining" the pain/the torment that is not explain-able. Our need to have a reason for our suffering beyond the stark simple reality of death is so over powering that we offer up the one gift we have - the love - for sacrifice. Sacrifice means to "make sacred". By sacrificing the loving relationship, we make it sacred. It is a way out of facing death. We embrace blame. We embrace guilt. This adds to our suffering ultimately. You love - in the present, not the past - your mother and your grandmother. They no longer need your care in the way they did. You did nothing wrong. They moved on. Now it is your time to take care of your self. You have little experience in doing that. Be gentle. Be kind. Be patient. Ask for help. Trust. Do not avoid the loss by blaming yourself. Let loss teach you how to live.