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grief attacks
My husband died unexpectedly in his sleep a month ago. He had just turned 60. I am 51. I didn't expect to have to live another life apart from the one with him. I am still numb and disbelieving. We worked at our business together which was on the phone so we were together 24/7. He was also my spiritual friend and my sangha (community). Now I am faced with doing everything by myself without his support. I have some support but not much as we liked living in the country and by ourselves. I find any little frustration like trying to do something he usually did brings on an emotional storm of crying. It doesn't last long but it makes me nervous about going out into public. I realize that I have no reason to leave the house except for groceries. I have gone to a few lunches but even these I fear I will break down and cry for no apparent reason. I also find myself expecting other bad things to happen. I have been sleeping with my dog but I won't close the bedroom door because if I died in my sleep like Jim did, my dog would probably die of hunger and thirst before anyone found her. I feel like my whole foundation has been blasted apart. I am doing my exercise, my yoga and my meditation and just trying to be in the present but that isn't always working. When does it get better? What could I be doing better to move through this faster? I talk to Jim's urn and I ask him why he left me? What was the reason? I feel like I need to know before I can move on. I want to know he is OK on some level. Any suggestions?
Response
There is much you are asking and that's good. The poet Rilke says: Live the questions now for the answers, if they were given, could not be lived. Please allow me to make some comments: These are not grief "attacks". This is the rhythm of your very new grief. You are beginning to move through a cycle of time represented by all the "firsts": the first birthday, anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, house repair, etc. As one of the chapters in "Good Grief" articulates: Time does not heal. Healing takes time. Don't rush yourself as if you could change the rhythm. Try to stay present in your body, heart and mind to what your husband's death is bringing to you. You won't always be able to do this and that's ok. Grief has its own timetable yet, it seems, that the more we allow it in , the more gentle it is with us. Most importantly, I want to share a core teaching of my teacher Wm. Brugh Joy: Delete the need to understand! The compulsion to "understand" before we move on is a defense against movement. "Understanding" is a state of grace. Sometimes it visits and sometimes it doesn't - but obsession doesn't change its course. This might be the place for you to sit: Delete the need to understand and stay present for what is revealed.