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death of husband and daughter
My 3 1/2 year old daughter drowned at a family reunion, 5 years ago. My husband was in a car accident, exactly one year later. He was in a coma, and I had to make the decision to let him go. I did not grieve for my daughter the first year, as my husband was fairly disfunctional over his grief. I still haven't really grieved his death. I slowly began grieving over my daughter in unexpected bouts. After a few years of having incidents of deep grief, just once every month or two, my support ran out. My family voiced that they have moved on and that there isn't anymore they can say. They are burned out and I don't blame them. I since have been having re-occuring dreams of my daughter. In these dreams she hasn't died, she has just been kidnapped. She is returned for me to visit, however, I find myself having to convince everyone around me,especially my mother, that I can now take care of her. My daughter doesn't recognize that I am her mother. I am so happy that she is ok. But I can't seem to have her with me. It is horrible. I wake up very depressed.
I am really tired of grief. I can't seem to remember them without hurting, or having dreams. I want to be able to remember them and speak of them with joy, not deep sadness. Why do I continue to be stuck?
Response
I read your words and feel in between them to the place where you feel "stuck" or, perhaps, "caught"? Grief seems to have its way with us and will not let us pass through one moment too soon. It is one of my great sadnesses that the people around us rarely have the patience and wisdom to walk with us as long as we need them to. They want their lives to get back to "normal" and so they push us to get on with our lives. We can't get on with our lives - our lives get on with us! Your dream is telling you that you feel there is some way in which you need to care for your daughter in order to be recognized. What might that be? If you were the "young daughter" in your dream, what "care" might you need to take of yourself? The real challenge of grief is the one you speak of in your last sentence: to be able to remember, be with, speak of those we love (who have died) with joy. The excruciating pain of your loss is overwhelming the love. Can you imagine the bigness of the love overwhelming the pain? What images comes to mind? Feel free to contact me via deborah@goodgrief.org if you would like to discuss this further.