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granddaughter's death
My seventeen year old granddaughter died by suicide on May. 2007 and needless to say our family is totally devastated by her death. My grief has many branches. I'm not only dealing with her death, but I'm dealing with the fact that she didn't have a very good life. Her parents divorced when she was four and at that time I mourned for her. I never was able to build a very close relationship with her. There always seemed to be a wall around her I couldn't penetrate. I blame others for the kind of life she led. I am angry at some persons who had to have known my girl had suicidal thoughts, but in selfish acts didn't communicate this to anyone... I know my granddaughter knew we loved her. She came to spend the last few months of her life in our town. She said she felt better here than where she was...
How do I deal with this complicated grief?
thank you.
Response
It always feels presumptuous of me to even begin to answer the kind of questions you are asking and the questions beneath that are yet to be asked and yet, I do.. There is a beautiful teaching that tells us that we might not be able to complete the task set before us but that doesn't mean that we should not begin. And so, we begin to unravel the pain and loss of your grief and of your grand-daughter's life and death. Blame is the place where we hide our despair. We despair because we are not in control of the most important events in our lives. Not only could you not control your grand-daughter's death but you could not control her life. What you can take charge of is how you respond to her death. Now is not the time for answers. Now is the time for questions. Not about what might have been but about what meaning you can give to her life and her death. Most spiritual traditions as well as most religious traditions believe that there is a period of time after someone's death in which our thoughts and our prayers and our actions can help heal the pain of THEIR loss. One of the reasons so many people begin charitable organizations and efforts after a death is to "help" the one who has died heal from the pain of their death.This allows those who are grieving to turn what feels senseless into something with meaning. You are on a journey now with your grand-daughter's spirit that is just beginning. Trust your self. There is no blame. Blame will only get in your way. There is a book written by a woman whose son committed suicide that affected me deeply when I read it. "Stephen Lives" by Anne Puryear might be a resource for you. Reaching out and sharing your pain and your loss is healing to yourself, your grand-daughter and to the world. Trust the journey.