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loss of a child
I just lost my son May of this year and lately its really starting to sink in that my son is not around anymore. You see my son had been battling cancer his whole life. At 5 months of age he
had a malignant brain tumor then after that treatment three years later he was diagnoised with leukemia. Then this year he had a relapse of the leukemia except this time he had a related donor for a cord blood transplant. His little brother David who I gave birth to in October 2001 and was an exact match for Gary's transplant. However, things didn't go according to plan. Gary Kept getting sick. I mean Gary walked into the hospital and he was roled out in a herse and I just cannot seem to grasp that. It makes me feel like the doctors killed my son. And i feel like if I had been there all the time like I was the last time he was sick I would've been able to do something. Unfortunatly at the same time Gary was beeing diagnosed with cancer so was I. And the guilt and total helplessness I felt as I was trying to look after him and recieve chemotherapy treatment was unbearable. As a mother I couldn't do anything. With Gary being the oldest of four children and dying at the age of 8 put my second son in bad position because now he is the big brother. That was one thing I could always count on Gary to do was to protect and look after everyone. I never had to ask. He was always so brave, understanding and loving and I miss him so much
Response
I wish there were words I could write back to you that would lift you onto the shoulders of those who have walked before you but I don't have them. It is always amazing to me how incredibly special our children are who die so young. It leaves us not only with emty arms and aching hearts but so many questions. Why did this happen to Gary? How could the doctors allow such a thing to happen? Who is to blame? One of my teachers says: Ask the questions because if the answers were given, we couldn't receive them. Your own cancer has added such a burden to your already over-burdened body/mind/spirit. Who is your support? Who is there to hold you? Can you articulate what you need?