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feeling the loss
my dad died in september
i am struggling with the fact he died alone
noone told me my dad was palliative
he was in a nursing home
he did have pneumonia and a slight heart attack
he was hospitalized for ome week
returning back to the care facility he was still not feeling good
i took him in a few days back to the hospital
the emergency doctor said he had another heart attack
he said he would probably get the same care there as in the hospital
a few days later i got the call to come quickly as yur dad is dying
a minute or less they said he was already gone.
i have tremendous guilt that i should of insisted he stay in hospital the second time
also that i could not
be with him during the night he died
noone should die alone struggling with his last breath.
any comments would be appreciated
i am crying all the time
Response
We take so much responsibility for things that are out of our control. And then we think we know what is supposed to happen. What should happen. Can any of us ever really know what SHOULD happen? Think about it. You know what you WANT to happen. You know that you wanted to be with your Dad when he died. I wanted to be with my Dad when he died. I wasn't. Can I really know that my father had a sad, agonizing, lonely struggle as he died? Absolutely not. I don't KNOW what those last moments were like for him.I know what I would LIKE for them to have been. And so, I want to imagine that he found a "presence", a feeling. a space in his fear where he was able to open to his own passing. It is not written anywhere that we need to have someone with us when we die. Our own fears lead us to believe that WE would not want to be alone. But there is a growing body of (anecdotal) evidence that shows people often NEED to be alone before they can let go.So, be easier on your self. It was not in your power to have your father's death turn out differently. But it is within your power to live your love for him
with your heart soft and open. And that cannot be accomplished in the face of blame.See if you can substitute a memory of a loving moment that you and your Dad shared each time you are gripped by blame and guilt. And see if you can breathe deeply into that loving image even in the place where your chest and your throat get tight. And then imagine putting the energy of that loving image into your Dad's heart. Stay in touch with the love. That is the teaching and the challenge of grief.