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Granny
My granny died in March 09 i realize that this is still a fresh wound somewhat to fully understand the impact of her death you must know that she was more of a mother as she practically raised me and I feel that she was the only mother to truly love me the way a mother loves her child.... both my parents and I have very estranged relationships.. she was also my religious lifeline... My question is I am sooo angry and not at her but at GOD for her death and this isn't like me not in my nature to be such a way I am a faithful woman of GOD and I am so consumed by anger i am almost unable to show affection to anyone except my child! What is wrong with me ??? can anyone offer some insight??? I feel like I am losing my faith!!!
Response
Please allow me to begin by acknowledging the challenges of responding to your questions in an anonymous public forum and, at the same time, it is precisely that anonymity that allows you to reveal your intimate struggle. So, I thank you for giving all of us an opportunity to resonate with your questions. There are two thoughts that come to my mind as I read your words and feel into them. The first is that anger is the public face of fear. Fear risks exposing our vulnerability while anger is so powerful an energy that it makes us feel strong in the very place we feel weak. Does that make sense to you? Secondly, I would like to reflect some of your question back to you: You share that your grandmother was your religious lifeline; that she was your connection to G-D; her death would leave you without a lifeline, without a teacher. Being angry at her would not be an option. Your love for her is too great and she might not be able to respond to your anger. If indeed anger and fear are one coin, then perhaps your anger at G-D is an expression of your fear that without your grannie you won't know how to continue as a woman of faith? If you would like to continue talking about this, I am available either here, on the forum, or privately at goodgrief.org. No charge for any of it. I trust that something of what has crossed my mind has been or will be helpful. If I have not been clear, please write back. Blessings.