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drowning
Matt drowned on july 12th. Our dog and I were with him. Matt was half mountain goat; he told me to trust his skills and never worry about him in the river or in the woods. He would always say "you have to be prepared for me to walk off into the woods and die," though he planned on living to 102. He was an intensely spiritual man, and not afraid of dying. Though I know he didn't plan on leaving now. We are home for each other, and with each other. beautiful life. No question, really. Just I am not big enough to take this in. He was better at this than me.
Response
One of my teachers would say that we need to live each day as if we are going to die tomorrow. It sounds like Matt was living his life according to that tremendously challenging path. Now you are left to continue on a path that he set. Grief is a wound and wounds are openings. We are broken open by our losses and have the possibility of getting bigger through them. So that when you say that you " are not big enough " perhaps what you are experiencing is the pain of getting bigger to hold Matt in his death.It is said, by scientists who record such things, that the caterpillar is shrieking as it undergoes metamorphosis into the butterfly. We have a fantasy about what goes on in the cocoon and our fantasy does not include pain. Loss is like that cocoon. We are forced into it by the death of a beloved but how we come out is completely our choice or even if we come out. In his life, Matt was able to hold himself; now you are being asked to "hold" him. It is a lifelong journey this loving someone into their death. You do not need to accomplish it in one month or one year.... A woman whose son had died wrote to me that we grieve others until others grieve us. Some hear that and panic. They want to have the pain end, to be over it. The pain ends when we realize that we have not "lost" our beloved. They are with us to the extent that we can get big enough to hold them in a way that is life affirming. This is the core of the wisdom others shared with me that is contained in the book Good Grief Healing Through the Shadow of Loss. If you would like to speak on the phone, please email me and we will set up some time to talk. There is no charge. There is so much more but this seems enough for now. Blessings.